The Baskin-Robbins of Politics.

The mainstream media has spoken and made up our minds for us. Here we are nine months away from the big election and they’ve whittled down the field for us. Thanks to the fourth estate the horse race is now down to a handful of sway back nags, frothing at the mouth for the finish line. Too bad we are still in the first corner and have a long backstretch to look forward to. At least our summer won’t be ruined with all that ‘perlitikel’ junk.

Now that the Un-Fab Four are set, it’s time to do what any other red-blooded American should do. It’s time to take the piss out of the surviving bathing beauties so we can focus on the important races that the average American might actually have a chance of determining the outcome for; such as who will be the dog catcher in their county. I’ve got my eye on Billy Bob but I’m not certain if the CFR or the Trilaterals have given him the green light to pick up our strays. There are actually five candidates in the race but the press corp is ignoring Ron Paul as though he's the guy who shows up stag for the senior prom and hangs out at the refreshment table. I'll give him some love here but remember, this is a take the piss out of them post. Don't flip out on me.

Here, for your enjoyment, is a look into the future. I’m going to tell you what will happen to each candidate 10 minutes after being sworn in. This way, when the CFR makes it’s final decision and the Diebold machines get their new logarithm uploaded, you won’t be surprised by what happens in the dreary year of our Lord, Two Thousand Nine, on a depressing afternoon in January:

Ron Paul – Ten minutes after being sworn in he breaks out a gigantic blackboard eraser and he wipes the slate clean. Everything gets reset and he mobilizes the National Guard to clear the halls of every government agency and locks the doors shut. We will all be on our own, which wouldn’t be bad since he would probably have the courtesy to go on TV and tell us to pack sand and figure out what to do on our own. Hey, the system is already broken, let’s just Mad Max it and be done with the foreplay.

Mike Huckabee – Ten minutes after being sworn in he looks to the heavens, says “Thank you, Jesus! I’m commin’ to see ya’!” and asks which button he’s supposed to push to kill everyone. Nukes fly, billions die, Mikey Boy has to be removed from office by force and the rest of his un-natural life is spent endlessly rocking back and forth while singing Amazing Grace under his breath and out of key; occasionally interrupted by his shouts of “Why’d yew fersake me, sweet Jesus?” or “Just give me one more missile to shoot? Please? I won’t be bad again. Honest, I won’t”

John McCain – Ten Minutes after being sworn in he orders the Navy and Air Force to “Bomb the living shit out of any place that isn’t America.” When confronted by his aggression during his first press conference, President McCain will look and point toward the TV camera and ask, “Is that thing on?” after being told the camera is indeed working he’ll stare right into it and say, “Tough titty. Suck it, Uncle Ho.”

Barak Obama – Ten minutes after being sworn in he’ll be given secret papers out of the White House file labeled ‘BUSH, GEORGE W – LIST OF BROKEN SHIT FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO FIX’ For the first time he gets to see just what it is he’s dealing with, which prompts him to ask the closest Secret Service agent, “Okay, who’s got Marlboros and a light?” While browsing the stack with a smoke dangling from his mouth he can be heard to mutter, “What the fuck, man?” and after a few more pages, “Bull shit!” and upon finishing the last page, “Goddamn, man… I should have stayed in Illinois. Motherfucker! Go get me a carton of Marlboros!” Ultimately gives in and becomes one with the system after he realizes that “Change” is something you carry in your pocket, not something you make the real leaders of this country do.

Hillary Clinton – Ten minutes after being sworn in she has to tell Bill to get the fuck away from her desk, shoo away two of Bill’s groupies, investigate what’s going on with Bill after things get too ‘quiet’ in the Lincoln Bedroom. Spends the first day in office correcting heads of state by saying, “No, this is Hillary.” when they call to send their best wishes, and she answers the phone by saying, “President Clinton speaking. How can I help you?” and they say, “Bill? You sound funny. Are you alright?” Things go downhill from there. Richard Mellon Scaife, however, has a field day. Fills her evenings drinking whisky with John McCain and contemplates contacting Rush Limbaugh to see if he’ll take a blow job to back off a bit so she can “get my head together”.

Personally I am disheartened that Mitt Romney dropped out of the race. I had a feeling that sooner or later the stress would get the best of him and he would break out into his Sylvester the Cat imitation when asked his thoughts about some tragedy or some other inappropriate moment. Let’s face it, any country club lizard that has the balls to lie his ass off by declaring he saw his father marching with Martin Luther King and then have his campaign manager try to defuse the ramifications of that bullshit by saying, “He was speaking metaphorically” is a force of nature to be reckoned with. Romney’s metaphors are quite interesting and remind me of one uttered by the great Formula 1 racer Mika Hakkinen years ago when he was asked his thoughts over fellow racer Jaques Villeneuve, who said that driving his car through the Eau Rouge turn at Spa was like sex. Hakkinen thought about it for a moment and in all sincerity said, “I think he’s shitting in his pants and mixing the two emotions.”

President Mitt Romney…my head is slowly splitting apart beginning at the part in my hair just thinking about that scenario.

Train rolls on...

Wheezing along like an asthmatic marathon runner in Denver, the economy chugs away. Billions upon billions lost, fiat money that never had backing, never had more value than the inflation that keeps it afloat. Sphincter muscles pucker along every latitude and longitude of the globe. Some poor bastard on a Micronesian island paradise is probably shitting himself over the falling value of his coconuts and the rising cost of maintaining his topless beauties in fish meat right about now. All except for the 946 billionaires who walk the earth. I still wonder about the possible existence of a so-called “Top Out of Sight” overclass and how many of them could make Bill Gates look more like a socio-economic version of me.

At this point it appears that even the egghead economists aren’t too sure of what’s going to happen next. It’s a bit like a thousand people discussing Global Warming or God, or a thousand baseball fans discussing steroids and record books. No one, and I mean no one, seems to have a clue as to what is about to happen and when it will happen.

I’m a worrier by nature. I “borrow trouble” as the old southern saying goes. This is one thing I don’t worry about for 1 second. Simple reason; I can’t effect change in the market and what little money I do have would be wiped out for a glimpse of a slice of stale white bread if inflation grew to a point it once was in Germany post World War I. I’m stuck with what the bastards do and change never comes when things are running smoothly like a big V-8 driving a Powerglide transmission down an empty stretch of winding road. Change comes when the engine seizes or the toque converter self-destructs and you are stuck on the side of the road.

I worry about what happens next but ya’ know what, folks? If the other shoes does drop and we all lose our jobs and a single egg costs $1000.00 USD, fuck all will be done to remedy the problem immediately. What did Reagan say in the early 80’s? He had the balls to say, “People who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice.” Fuck all will be done to make sure you don’t freeze at night. Nothing has every really been done to solve the poverty problem in this nation for ages.

Think the Washington fat cats will go into an emergency session because a bunch of C++ coders got evicted from their apartments and have to sleep in their Accords? Fuck all will be done no matter what will happen. There aren’t many homeless folks who stand in line at their polling location on Election Day and we are in an election year. The politicians have their asses covered already; they don’t give a fuck about me and mine or you and yours.

What happens, happens. Now, what is very important is how you and I react if all hell breaks loose. I’m not talking about rampaging and rioting in the street. Shit, I’m in my 40’s, have a back that goes out when the weather gets too cold and damp and I’ve got dogs to feed every day. I’m in no mood or shape or mental state to go on a crazed Viking rampage through the burbs, scarfing up loaves of bread, gallons of milk and bags of Nutro dog food. Hell no.

I do, however, have neighbors. You do too. I’m sure most of us work in similar fields, are in similar situations and have similar backgrounds. All of us will be in this together so we need to stick with one another. Why not commandeer the green spaces of your apartment complex and start a community garden. What is management going to do? Call the cops on Mr. Green Jeans and his helpers? I think the local Barney Fife’s and Sheriff Andy’s are going to have bigger fish to fry than a bunch of vegetable garden growing apartment dwellers.

Why not say enough is enough and back yourself completely out of the credit and banking system we all see and get ripped off by? Why not say to hell with Exxon and Sheik’s making a killing of my labors and take the bus and or subway a few times a week? Why not tell lying fourth estate imposters to take a hike and not watch their TV “news” programs, turn off the talk radio and ferret out those alternative media sources and weigh what you read, judge the source and make your own judgment from facts?

For things to get “better” in this country, we, the people, need to take a look at what goes on in our individual lives and then fix the problems. When powers greater than us affect change in our own realms, we can find the focus and direction to take in beating them back out of our lives. Politicians won’t save us, Ministers won’t save us, and the riches of the world won’t save us. As individuals, we can save ourselves and help our neighbors. I’d give my neighbor a $100 before I dared dreaming of giving a fucking millionaire politician a penny of my money, an ounce of my labor or a second of my time.

If you want to know the best way of protecting yourself in the coming economic collapse, look to yourself and your neighbor. Don’t look for a Knight in shining armor who has a flag bearing an elephant or a donkey.

Presidential Bathing Beauties -- Round Two -- Dried up fruits and nuts

Candidate Gravel relaxes on the outdoor chaise lounge as candidate Tancredo attempts to "witness" before him.

This round of Presidential Bathing Beauties features Mike Gravel (D) and Tom Tancredo (R).

Who - Candidate Mike Gravel

Qualifications – Former Alaska state representative and US Senator for 12 years, left the Senate in ’81.

Platform – Would get all US troops out of Iraq within 120 days of taking office. Advocate of diplomatic approach to Syria and Iran. Wants to abolish the IRS and move to a national sales tax on goods and service and source carbon taxes for sources of air pollution. For the guest worker program, against the “war on drugs”.

What’s the deal? – Gravel is the clichéd “crazy old uncle” who shows up in the movies to add charm and humor to family get-togethers during the holidays. He’s cranky, funny, out on a limb and doesn’t suffer fools gladly.

What in the hell sparked this man to run for the highest office in the land after being away from public service since 1981? Was it anger at the direction of this country? Was it a final and all consuming desire to try to save the country? Out of the blue he came and he’s been quite an interesting candidate, especially in the debates where the man lays down napalm on the podium and for the most part speaks the mind of the “average man”.

Trivia – Served in the Army Counter Intelligence Corp (1951-55) and has dyslexia. Couldn’t make that one up. Inserted over 4,000 pages of the famous “Pentagon Papers” into the Congressional Record.

Bathing Beauty Quals – None, absolutely none. This makes him the perfect candidate if the system was torn down and we were to rebuild from the ground up but fat chance in hell that is going to happen.

Can he get the nomination? – Only if he chooses me to be his running mate.

Can he become PotUS 44? – Not if he does choose me to be his running mate.

Conspiracy Theories? – The man is pretty steeped in 1960’s politics and seems to have an open mind at the ripe young age of 77. Chances are he would be able to talk a lot about events of the 60’s and how they tie in with the study of conspiracy theories. His experiences in the Intelligence Community would undoubtedly be an eye-opening subject were it broached, especially in light that he served in West Germany. I think he would be a fantastic interview subject on the Military-Industrial Complex.

Who – Candidate Tom Tancredo.

Qualifications – Colorado State Legislator, US Congress since 1999. Loves Jesus.

Platform – Hates abortion, loves Jesus. Hates rich people getting taxed, loves Jesus. Hates judges that “legislate from the bench”, loves Jesus. Hates lawsuits against medical malpractice, loves Jesus. Loves Jesus, hates atheist commie peaceniks that want us out of Iraq. Loves guns, loves Jesus. Did I mention he LOVES the Jesus?

What’s the deal? – He drank the Jesus Juice because it’s more holy than Kool Aid. Will say anything that he hopes and prays will get him into office. Hates government so very much that he wants to be a civil servant and continue to be a civil servant. Hates socialized health care so much that he’s willing to bring small business into the mix since illegal immigrants are the cause of all our health care woes, but he loves the health care plan that Congress has.

This man is so shameless in his pandering to the ignorant and sore of knees from praying that if someone told him he would win the office if he would only recreate the Passion Play, with real nails, in the Washington Mall, he’d ask, “Ten penny nails or spikes?”

Trivia – Tancredo was a College Republican who spoke publicly in support of the war in Vietnam, but told the draft classification Doctors that he had been “treated for depression”. He got a 1-Y deferment for his efforts and took a job teaching junior high school immediately afterward. I wonder if Tom thought Jesus would say he was depressed too?

Bathing Beauty Quals – Wants to bomb the hell out of Mecca because that’s what Jesus would do and God knows that Tom loves Jesus. Over-compensates for his shame at being a hawk in his head and a coward in his heart and inability to come to terms with that disparity by wanting to bomb the holy living fuck out of anyone who isn't as WASPy as he is.

Can he get the nomination? – Only if Jesus REALLY loves him.

Can he become PotUS 44? – Only if Jesus REALLY hates us.

Conspiracy Theories? – A full-blown, right wing, paranoid, Jesus freak; Tancredo’s head must be as full of conspiracy theory’s as a snakes den is full of the heebie jeebies. I peg Tancredo as a neo-anti-communist nut who still thinks the word “hippies” apply to any draft dodger who doesn’t stare back from his own mirror?

Most likely consults the seminal work of anti-communist conspiracy buffs, “None Dare Call It Conspiracy” to this very day, looking for new angles on how those Godless Ruskies are still plotting to overthrow the US from within, just like that Godless Karl Marx said.

Summary – Fruits and nuts; that sums these two. Gravel being the old nut and Tancredo being the old fruit. No one can hate “teh ghey” like Tancredo does without feeling shame for a pecker or two that he might have sucked in his early hormonal days of adolescence, and not act like he does. Fruits and nuts are great in a bowl of cold cereal, not so great in positions of enormous power.

Presidential Bathing Beauties -- Round 1 -- The wide hips candidates.

Presidential Bathing Beauty hopefuls Duncan Hunter (R) and Chris Dodd (D) enjoying the view.



Who - Candidate Duncan Hunter

Qualifications – He’s a lawyer and has been in the House of Representatives since 1981.

Platform – Wants to amend the Constitution to define “personhood” at the moment of conception and make an amendment to define marriage as being between man and woman only. Believes in slashing taxes, slashing budgets (except DoD related budgets) and making sure the NEA doesn’t get a penny. Wants to build more border fencing, create a national employment verification system and reform birth right citizenship.

What’s the deal? – Seems to be parroting some of the neo-con and traditional GOP talking points (War on Terror, gays – bad / pro life - good) but appears to buck the trend on trade (one way street analogy). Right wing extremist “pundits” Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham and Michelle Malkin lust for him in that polemic sort of way. What a crazy 4 way that would make.

One of the things that has all but destroyed American manufacturing and crippled the financial prospects for the lower-middle class and working class in this country, is NAFTA. I give big props to Rep. Hunter for taking an anti-NAFTA stance. In the close bond between big business and big government, this is a stance that I understand can be a relationship killer for a politician.
In the shattered world of defining political leanings, Rep. Hunter is being labeled a “conservative” Republican vs. a “liberal” Republican (Giulliani, Huckabee). I just see him as being a cross between a Goldwater conservative (fiscal, trade), a Reagan Conservative (social, military) and a Moral Majority conservative (right to life, anti-gay). In other words, he’s a Gumbo Republican.

Trivia – Served in Vietnam for the 75th Ranger Regiment, 173rd Airborne as a First Louie, not a ring tapper either.

Bathing Beauty Quals – Give Pat Buchanan a Valium, or give 4 Valiums to Ron Paul, and you have summed up his Bathing Beaty qualifications. He can’t seem to express passion and serious ideas because he cannot elicit passion and seriousness. Good intentions, some good ideas but something seems “off” in his delivery. I have a feeling that if you sat with him, off the record and talked about issues he would be able to express, one-on-one what he believes in. I believe you could disagree with him and the discussion wouldn’t teeter from a wedge due to the differences.

Can he get the nomination? – Only if Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham and Michelle Malkin do a 3 way lez fest on pay-per view to raise campaign money.

Can he become PotUS 44? – Not if Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham and Michelle Malkin do a 3 way lez fest on pay-per view to raise campaign money.

Conspiracy Theories? – If you sat down with him, off the record, I have a feeling he would give you the blank stare if you asked his thoughts about conspiracy theories. I think he knows about them in a general sense, meaning he thinks they are kooky and theorists are kooks. “Next question.” Would be his response.



Who – Candidate Chris Dodd

Qualifications – A Lawyer and has served Congress since his election to the House of Representatives in 1975 and the Senate in 1980. 32 years in DC…holy Jesus, Dodd.

Platform – Parrots the end the war in Iraq line, but doesn’t define where troops will be “redeployed”. Talks the talk on energy but only offers tax incentives for consumers to buy new energy efficient cars. How about the working poor, for whom buying a Prius just isn’t an option? Follows the standard Roosevelt and Great Society beliefs on social issues.

What’s the deal? – Dodd is one of those unknown factors. He talks the talk on a lot of issues but his total number of years inside the Beltway seems to have worn off on him like it has John McCain. I think Dodd is politically savy and knows what lingo to throw out there. I just don’t think he can walk the walk, be a ball buster when it’s needed or pull people together when he needs to.

Trivia – 2nd generation Senator, his father was one of the prosecutors at the Nuremburg War Crimes Tribunal. Spent two years in the Peace Corp and six years in the Army Reserves and National Guard.

Bathing Beauty Quals – If this were the Miss America pageant, Dodd would be a 1940’s version of Miss Idaho or North Dakota; personable and nice and likable but not a lot of beauty or substance or depth. He’s a wide hips sorta politician. He chose a role (stereotypical social cause Democrat) and stuck with it instead of being a visionary. It’s a shame because with his background he could have easily become one.

Can he get the nomination? – Sure, if the rest of the Democrats jump out of the race.

Can he become PotUS 44? – Sure, if he runs un-opposed…across the board.

Conspiracy Theories? – I have a feeling if you sat down with him in a cabin out in the boonies of Connecticut and a case of beer, he’d laugh it up for a while with you. If there are any conspiracy theories that Dodd might have a thought over it would be the JFK assassination. I doubt if he would follow a single theory belief in the JFK assassination, he probably just believes “someone” was behind it all.


Summary - Bet good money on Dodd to spend another 3 decades in Congress. Bet good money on Hunter getting uber rich on a lobbyist salary when he decides it's time to call all those favors back home when he leaves office. Don't bet a penny that either man will have a shot in hell at becoming the next President...thank God for small miracles.