Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Presidential Bathing Beauties -- Round Two -- Dried up fruits and nuts

Candidate Gravel relaxes on the outdoor chaise lounge as candidate Tancredo attempts to "witness" before him.
This round of Presidential Bathing Beauties features Mike Gravel (D) and Tom Tancredo (R).
Who - Candidate Mike Gravel
Qualifications – Former Alaska state representative and US Senator for 12 years, left the Senate in ’81.
Platform – Would get all US troops out of Iraq within 120 days of taking office. Advocate of diplomatic approach to Syria and Iran. Wants to abolish the IRS and move to a national sales tax on goods and service and source carbon taxes for sources of air pollution. For the guest worker program, against the “war on drugs”.
What’s the deal? – Gravel is the clich├ęd “crazy old uncle” who shows up in the movies to add charm and humor to family get-togethers during the holidays. He’s cranky, funny, out on a limb and doesn’t suffer fools gladly.

What in the hell sparked this man to run for the highest office in the land after being away from public service since 1981? Was it anger at the direction of this country? Was it a final and all consuming desire to try to save the country? Out of the blue he came and he’s been quite an interesting candidate, especially in the debates where the man lays down napalm on the podium and for the most part speaks the mind of the “average man”.
Trivia – Served in the Army Counter Intelligence Corp (1951-55) and has dyslexia. Couldn’t make that one up. Inserted over 4,000 pages of the famous “Pentagon Papers” into the Congressional Record.
Bathing Beauty Quals – None, absolutely none. This makes him the perfect candidate if the system was torn down and we were to rebuild from the ground up but fat chance in hell that is going to happen.
Can he get the nomination? – Only if he chooses me to be his running mate.
Can he become PotUS 44? – Not if he does choose me to be his running mate.
Conspiracy Theories? – The man is pretty steeped in 1960’s politics and seems to have an open mind at the ripe young age of 77. Chances are he would be able to talk a lot about events of the 60’s and how they tie in with the study of conspiracy theories. His experiences in the Intelligence Community would undoubtedly be an eye-opening subject were it broached, especially in light that he served in West Germany. I think he would be a fantastic interview subject on the Military-Industrial Complex.
Who – Candidate Tom Tancredo.
Qualifications – Colorado State Legislator, US Congress since 1999. Loves Jesus.
Platform – Hates abortion, loves Jesus. Hates rich people getting taxed, loves Jesus. Hates judges that “legislate from the bench”, loves Jesus. Hates lawsuits against medical malpractice, loves Jesus. Loves Jesus, hates atheist commie peaceniks that want us out of Iraq. Loves guns, loves Jesus. Did I mention he LOVES the Jesus?
What’s the deal? – He drank the Jesus Juice because it’s more holy than Kool Aid. Will say anything that he hopes and prays will get him into office. Hates government so very much that he wants to be a civil servant and continue to be a civil servant. Hates socialized health care so much that he’s willing to bring small business into the mix since illegal immigrants are the cause of all our health care woes, but he loves the health care plan that Congress has.
This man is so shameless in his pandering to the ignorant and sore of knees from praying that if someone told him he would win the office if he would only recreate the Passion Play, with real nails, in the Washington Mall, he’d ask, “Ten penny nails or spikes?”
Trivia – Tancredo was a College Republican who spoke publicly in support of the war in Vietnam, but told the draft classification Doctors that he had been “treated for depression”. He got a 1-Y deferment for his efforts and took a job teaching junior high school immediately afterward. I wonder if Tom thought Jesus would say he was depressed too?
Bathing Beauty Quals – Wants to bomb the hell out of Mecca because that’s what Jesus would do and God knows that Tom loves Jesus. Over-compensates for his shame at being a hawk in his head and a coward in his heart and inability to come to terms with that disparity by wanting to bomb the holy living fuck out of anyone who isn't as WASPy as he is.
Can he get the nomination? – Only if Jesus REALLY loves him.
Can he become PotUS 44? – Only if Jesus REALLY hates us.
Conspiracy Theories? – A full-blown, right wing, paranoid, Jesus freak; Tancredo’s head must be as full of conspiracy theory’s as a snakes den is full of the heebie jeebies. I peg Tancredo as a neo-anti-communist nut who still thinks the word “hippies” apply to any draft dodger who doesn’t stare back from his own mirror?
Most likely consults the seminal work of anti-communist conspiracy buffs, “None Dare Call It Conspiracy” to this very day, looking for new angles on how those Godless Ruskies are still plotting to overthrow the US from within, just like that Godless Karl Marx said.
Summary – Fruits and nuts; that sums these two. Gravel being the old nut and Tancredo being the old fruit. No one can hate “teh ghey” like Tancredo does without feeling shame for a pecker or two that he might have sucked in his early hormonal days of adolescence, and not act like he does. Fruits and nuts are great in a bowl of cold cereal, not so great in positions of enormous power.

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