Friday, February 8, 2008

The Baskin-Robbins of Politics.

The mainstream media has spoken and made up our minds for us. Here we are nine months away from the big election and they’ve whittled down the field for us. Thanks to the fourth estate the horse race is now down to a handful of sway back nags, frothing at the mouth for the finish line. Too bad we are still in the first corner and have a long backstretch to look forward to. At least our summer won’t be ruined with all that ‘perlitikel’ junk.

Now that the Un-Fab Four are set, it’s time to do what any other red-blooded American should do. It’s time to take the piss out of the surviving bathing beauties so we can focus on the important races that the average American might actually have a chance of determining the outcome for; such as who will be the dog catcher in their county. I’ve got my eye on Billy Bob but I’m not certain if the CFR or the Trilaterals have given him the green light to pick up our strays. There are actually five candidates in the race but the press corp is ignoring Ron Paul as though he's the guy who shows up stag for the senior prom and hangs out at the refreshment table. I'll give him some love here but remember, this is a take the piss out of them post. Don't flip out on me.

Here, for your enjoyment, is a look into the future. I’m going to tell you what will happen to each candidate 10 minutes after being sworn in. This way, when the CFR makes it’s final decision and the Diebold machines get their new logarithm uploaded, you won’t be surprised by what happens in the dreary year of our Lord, Two Thousand Nine, on a depressing afternoon in January:

Ron Paul – Ten minutes after being sworn in he breaks out a gigantic blackboard eraser and he wipes the slate clean. Everything gets reset and he mobilizes the National Guard to clear the halls of every government agency and locks the doors shut. We will all be on our own, which wouldn’t be bad since he would probably have the courtesy to go on TV and tell us to pack sand and figure out what to do on our own. Hey, the system is already broken, let’s just Mad Max it and be done with the foreplay.

Mike Huckabee – Ten minutes after being sworn in he looks to the heavens, says “Thank you, Jesus! I’m commin’ to see ya’!” and asks which button he’s supposed to push to kill everyone. Nukes fly, billions die, Mikey Boy has to be removed from office by force and the rest of his un-natural life is spent endlessly rocking back and forth while singing Amazing Grace under his breath and out of key; occasionally interrupted by his shouts of “Why’d yew fersake me, sweet Jesus?” or “Just give me one more missile to shoot? Please? I won’t be bad again. Honest, I won’t”

John McCain – Ten Minutes after being sworn in he orders the Navy and Air Force to “Bomb the living shit out of any place that isn’t America.” When confronted by his aggression during his first press conference, President McCain will look and point toward the TV camera and ask, “Is that thing on?” after being told the camera is indeed working he’ll stare right into it and say, “Tough titty. Suck it, Uncle Ho.”

Barak Obama – Ten minutes after being sworn in he’ll be given secret papers out of the White House file labeled ‘BUSH, GEORGE W – LIST OF BROKEN SHIT FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO FIX’ For the first time he gets to see just what it is he’s dealing with, which prompts him to ask the closest Secret Service agent, “Okay, who’s got Marlboros and a light?” While browsing the stack with a smoke dangling from his mouth he can be heard to mutter, “What the fuck, man?” and after a few more pages, “Bull shit!” and upon finishing the last page, “Goddamn, man… I should have stayed in Illinois. Motherfucker! Go get me a carton of Marlboros!” Ultimately gives in and becomes one with the system after he realizes that “Change” is something you carry in your pocket, not something you make the real leaders of this country do.

Hillary Clinton – Ten minutes after being sworn in she has to tell Bill to get the fuck away from her desk, shoo away two of Bill’s groupies, investigate what’s going on with Bill after things get too ‘quiet’ in the Lincoln Bedroom. Spends the first day in office correcting heads of state by saying, “No, this is Hillary.” when they call to send their best wishes, and she answers the phone by saying, “President Clinton speaking. How can I help you?” and they say, “Bill? You sound funny. Are you alright?” Things go downhill from there. Richard Mellon Scaife, however, has a field day. Fills her evenings drinking whisky with John McCain and contemplates contacting Rush Limbaugh to see if he’ll take a blow job to back off a bit so she can “get my head together”.

Personally I am disheartened that Mitt Romney dropped out of the race. I had a feeling that sooner or later the stress would get the best of him and he would break out into his Sylvester the Cat imitation when asked his thoughts about some tragedy or some other inappropriate moment. Let’s face it, any country club lizard that has the balls to lie his ass off by declaring he saw his father marching with Martin Luther King and then have his campaign manager try to defuse the ramifications of that bullshit by saying, “He was speaking metaphorically” is a force of nature to be reckoned with. Romney’s metaphors are quite interesting and remind me of one uttered by the great Formula 1 racer Mika Hakkinen years ago when he was asked his thoughts over fellow racer Jaques Villeneuve, who said that driving his car through the Eau Rouge turn at Spa was like sex. Hakkinen thought about it for a moment and in all sincerity said, “I think he’s shitting in his pants and mixing the two emotions.”

President Mitt Romney…my head is slowly splitting apart beginning at the part in my hair just thinking about that scenario.

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