I'm out before I even started running

In probably the shortest candidacy for any public office in history (it didn’t matter which office, in fact I hadn’t even decided what I would run for), I have to withdraw my name from consideration. I followed the example of the leaders I wanted to emulate by going out last night. I got loaded, practiced kinky and obscure sexual rituals, tossed all my money into the air and changed my mind 20 times over where to eat after last call. The last straw came when I looked into the mirror this morning and tried to deny everything that happened last night and laughed at myself. I’ve realized I’m too far out of practice to maintain that lifestyle for even a 2 year term of office. It was simple when I was in my 20’s but I’ve lost my touch.

For the record, I think it was the bizarre sex that did me in. Does anyone know how to remove Vaseline stains from satin sheets?