2007 - Long, long gone.

The year of our Lord, Two Thousand Seven; is in it’s final hours. The year’s end is a time of reflection and a chance to look forward, reassess where we stand now and where we want to go in the future. It’s a time to make plans, set goals, hope and learn. Some just get loaded. Aye… even I have resembled a Jello Biafra song, too drunk to fuck, indeed.

It’s been a year of tumultuous events but hardly anything seems to have changed in the world for the better. The scope of this past year’s craziness is so vast that I’m going to miss some events while writing, which is probably a good thing as I don’t want this to be a 5,000 word essay. So here they are, the stories of 2007:

Politics:

The Democratic Party assumed control of both houses of Congress and immediately proceeded to turn into stone. The 110th Congress has done fuck all regarding the issues they were elected to remedy. About as useful as a screen door on a submarine, they are a shameful lot of rats, all of them.

Scooter Libby was found guilty of obstruction of justice in the Plame Gate case. Big Daddy Bush commuted his sentence and Florida land baron/mind control enthusiast Mel Sembler headed an effort to raise the money to pay for poor little Scooter’s fine. The media has taken a holiday since Bush said, “Bad Scooter! No! No!”

It was learned that 7/8ths of the Republican Party are closeted homosexuals.

Half of the Republican Party who is closeted couldn’t sneak a blowjob or two without getting caught. We learned that wide stance is an affliction suffered by flaming Idaho Mary’s who love to play footsie in airport shitters.

The DC Madam story broke open, then closed. The 1/8th of the Republican Party who isn’t a closeted homosexual seems to like sex with hookers more than their wives. I guess wives get a little touchy when their husband wants to dress up in a diaper like Louisiana Congressman David Vitter does. I wonder why?

Georgia Governor, Prince Sonny the First, declared war against invertebrates as mollusks and the Army Corps of Engineers faced his wrath. Sonny boy prayed for rain, sat on his ass and appeared as lucid and insightful as a drunken chimpanzee on the national news. Go, Sonny! You are a beacon for Georgia tourism, especially on a double bill with screenings of Deliverance. You make us seem so smart.

War:

The US is still at war. We have always been at war. War brings peace and prosperity. War is…holy shit. What am I saying? $10 billion USD gets flushed down the toilet every week; along with arms, legs and eyes. General Dynamics, Lockheed, Haliburton, etc…get fatter and fatter.

The bloodthirsty vampires still want war with Iran, North Korea, Syria, China and Russia. That type of psychopath has always wanted war.

No end is in sight as the 110th Congress is afraid of the spin the vampires will use against them and God only knows they are afraid of losing that cushy DC job and their health care. Fucking douchebags.

The Economy:

Our economy is melting down faster than Britney Spears with a bottle of Zanax and a couple of jugs of Two Buck Chuck. Mortgage companies have gone tits up. Banks have gone tits up. Property values have gone tits up. Greenbacks have gone tits up. Gas is never going to sell for less than $2.80 again and $10 will get you a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a bottle of store brand aspirin and nothing else. Hot air is all that is keeping us afloat.

Conspiracy Theories:

April brought us the VaTech Massacre. This event was a major Black Op that pulled in many disciplines of Conspiracy Theory research; Mind Control experts, Assassin studies, Illuminatists, the Theocratic researchers. Everyone saw something in this event that made their eyes open wide and gasp. Even Lorne Coleman was able to write about it as copycats sprang up in places as interesting as NASA headquarters in Houston. This story will return in the future as some researcher will dig much deeper than any of us already have.

Tainted products – This is a story that is still with us. Beginning with poisoned dog food in the spring, we have had one horrifying story after another involving tainted food and consumer products imported from China. At one point the Chinese government official in charge of ensuring product safety was executed after it was learned that he had accepted bribes to look the other way. This story will follow us into 2008 and beyond as our food and product safety watch dog has been all but put to bed forever.

Youtube – There was no specific Conspiracy Theory associated with YouTube, it is interesting to take note at how this site has become front and center in an interesting way for this area of research. Black, white and gray propaganda can be found in all it’s forms with “user submitted” videos. We saw supposed UFO videos, viral marketing campaigns and now we are seeing alternate videos of the assassination of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. This is a site we should all take with a grain of salt and be wary of the authenticity of the short videos posted. Don’t assume a YouTube video is as it seems to be, just as you would do with Wikipedia.

Benazir Bhutto Assassination – This is a massive story and could become a history turning point. Bhutto wasn’t killed by simple minded and singularly focused Islamic extremists, as the media and the governments would have you think. Follow this story as it develops as this may very well be a high-water moment in the current direction of world events.

The American Police State – We started the year with indignation over the Atlanta Police Department storming the home of an elderly women, murdering her in cold blood, attempting to plant evidence and cover their tracks and we have ended it with sensory overload regarding the seemingly random use of the taser against innocent American citizens on an almost daily basis. The fire departments in America are being asked to spy on their fellow citizens. City leaders try to tell us how to dress in public and we have no more privacy. It is all gone…forever. Power that our government currently has will not be relinquished.

Sports:

I’m waiting to hear reports that Braves announcer Skip Carey and the batboys for the Detroit Tigers are on performance enhancing drugs. In years past that would have meant beer for the announcer and Bazooka gum for the batboys. I don’t know if Clemens really did the juice or not but I have to say that I saw and heard Rog’s fastballs in late 1990 when he came back from arm problems, saw his decline through the 90’s and a mysterious return to form in the late 90's with a sudden pop, movement and velocity that he didn’t even have back in 1990. If that was the Flexall 454 I would be surprised.

Barry Bonds – All-Time Home Run King.

Barry Bonds – Indicted for perjury before a federal grand jury.

Barry Bonds – Waterhead.

Michael Vick will be able to enjoy his sabbatical in the federal pen by focusing his enormous brain on the problems associated with quantum mechanics, more specifically with issues surrounding the theory of quantum decoherence. He will, however, have to keep an eye out for an aggressive blitz by the welcome wagon who are looking at taking a blind side shot at his ass. The main question I have regarding Michael Vick’s possible return to the NFL is whether it is possible to scramble out of the pocket efficiently after 23 months of being forcefully poked in the butt with a (several?) penis? MV7, was it worth it to watch your dogs fight?

Formula 1 – A summation of the F1 season in one sentence: “There was a spy scandal, mind games between a rookie and the World Champion, overall craziness and a wild drunken Finn won the World Championship.” How was that for understatement? Major congratulations to Kimi and here’s hoping that 2008 is an even more exciting season. A big “Fuck You!” to Bernie Ecclestone for screwing the US fans out of the US Grand Prix.


That is the year that was. It almost is no more. What a year it has been and may the next be a little less stressful for all the average, workaday, Joes and Jills all around the world. We could use a break for a change, couldn’t we?

Happy New Year to you and yours and I hope you ALL have a very special year in 2008!